Entry: this is my story Apr 23, 2014

i almost posted this on wordpress

After battling months of self pity, tears, loneliness and absence of all happiness in my daily life, I have finally decided to tell someone of my predicament. Actually, a few people already know. I have fallen in love, and had my heart broken, and have to continue a relationship with him until today, indefinitely. It is incredibly hard for me to accept that he cannot be in a relationship with me. I keep hoping for him to change, but realistically, it will never happen. He has already let go of his wants and needs for a long-term settle-down and marry kind of relationship, a long time ago. He already told me he cannot commit, the first night before he kissed me. He thought that as long as he stated beforehand that he is not sure, not ready, not the perfect kind of guy, that I will understand and not expect anything. In my little dream world I was exploding with fantasies, because he was giving me experiences I never had before and I thought I had felt genuine romantic feelings towards me from him, and I trusted those feelings. Eventually, he avoided seeing me intimately and told me we could work together, but not go back to dating, because he wants to keep things professional between us and he wants to sort his life out and achieve his personal goals. He just does not want the whole drama and hassle of a relationship. That is what he said. He continued to help me out tremendously, not charging me for the reno works that could have costed 20k - there is never ever any chance that he could be taking advantage of me, I know he wants only the best for me and never to hurt me. He continue to be kind and diplomatic and trusting, in the work that we are doing. I am his drafting assistant, he pays me cash for the draftng work so he can handle his jobs and whatever he needs to do. He is extremely passionate about skydiving and flying in a wingsuit, something that he had wanted to pursue all his life and waited until now. He has completed 100 jumps as of today. The moment he described his dream to me, I know he is going somewhere that I could not follow. I have no interest in doing the same things, and it will be agonizing to tolerate such madness my whole life, each day hoping he is doing things correctly and safely - as one wrong step will be fatal. That was my initial thought. As the days, weeks and months pass, while I slave over torrents of unfinishable work, not having any personal time and not meeting anyone new, my mind can only drift around the thoughts of a lost love and incredible sadness. I begin to want even a miserable half life tolerating his sudden take-offs and arrivals, short meetings and crazy schedules and deadlines, as long as he has me in his heart. I wanted to tell him that - he actually already knows. He tried to tell me to let go already, he is tired of answering my endless, angst-y questions. He cannot commit to a relationship, so I have to stop trying with him. The reason why he stopped having an intimate relationship with me is so I won't be stuck with a nutcase like him, he wants me to find my happiness elsewhere with someone else, as he could not provide things a full-time boyfriend could, so whether or not he has feelings for me is irrelevant. I just find it so hard to do, to leave. Why am I hanging around ... why am I helping him out.. I made a promise to finish at least these projects while he finishes my house - which he already did. But the projects I'm working on takes a very long time. I have no chance to take any breaks and go have a normal life. We just had 4 full days of a long weekend, everyone's relaxing at home with their families hunting easter eggs or going on road trips, camping holidays, some even travelled overseas - and I am working at the same pace as back in uni having less than 5 hours of sleep a night and never leaving my laptop, frantically completing one task and then straight onto the next, and wishing the weekend stretched longer because I need more time to get the job done. I did mention to him it is hard work - but then he is also working hard, drawing and more jobs for his clients while everyone else is partying. It is his company and his jobs though, not mine. In the end, what I am working so neckbreakingly on, is not my own work. I am either helping my boss earn more money, or helping him. I still haven't submitted drawings for my own house, I still haven't retouched my portfolio to find new work, I still haven't logged my time to fill out the forms for registering for my Architect's title. I still haven't found my true passion in life - it may be in developing sustainability and learning in Japan - I wanted to live and work in Japan for at least a year before I settle down somewhere and work till retirement - no, that was never the plan - I wanted to whatever I want with no contracts or obligations to anyone. My parents, very admirably, never ever questioned my singlehood or decision to live and work in Melbourne, and they supported me all the way. I could take off and go wherever I want. Now I just want to live a little happier. I could do a fantastic job finishing my projects for him, for my boss, then resign from both jobs and seek freedom. A very nice uncle at work told me I look happy and healthy, even though I feel the exact opposite, which I've been feeling about myself for the past 3 months. I felt as if nothing is worth looking forward to, nothing is worth living for, nothing is worth smiling about, there is only darkness, there is only tears, there is no way out of the suffering except death. In brief moments when my family called or friends spoke to me, I feigned okay-ness and pretended to smile. I felt okay for awhile and the next moment I am wallowing in self pity again. This has to end. I know I used to be a very different person, someone who smiles easily and brings happiness into others' lives. I know my friends know me like that. I know they will be heartbroken to know that I am suffering so much, and maybe angry for being stupidly hardworking and loyal for the wrong person, for not quitting earlier and stop self-pitying. My best friend told me over and over, that he is not right for me, cut ties with him, move on. My brain knows she is right. My heart is still stubbornly clinging onto this only source of love I've known, the only person - I know, I can never find someone that I feel exactly the same way about, no one will ever be at his level of intensity that I understood. I know, I can never forget that I ever had this period of relationship with him, nothing can erase those memories no matter how I wish they never happened, or for them to happen again. I know, that this has to end, and I have to stop being so negative - after all, good things can only come when I view them as good. I know, by writing this and letting someone see my writing, that I am letting it out and standing up slowly. I will be strong when I see him next. I can only see him as a friend. Who knows what will happen in the future? I know, if I continue to be so negative, nothing good will happen. I have to be strong and be positive. I have to think it is easy to be happy. I have to shake off this whole self-pitying, gloomy depression and view the world as a giant place for me to cultivate my own greatness and endless possibilities and dreams to pursue, endless chances and love stories to happen and things to experience, I want to live on and achieve more in life. I want to live! I want to journey on, with freedom! 


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