Entry: i suddenly feel a little repulsion Apr 5, 2014

as i watched him tend to his plants. i know i definitely do not want the drama and stress of having to face the police if it ever happens - him being caught - it is a possibility whether i like it or not. if i am with him, there is always the danger and tension... and i personally do not even want to touch, consume or smoke them. it is so dark and wrong.

i don't know what to say to him. i leaned in close, he happily gave me a peck on the cheek goodbye and smiled brightly as we bid each other goodbye. and we will see each other soon i guess.

i don't know. maybe it is possible after all for me to move on, despite having to work for him. Maybe it is possible after all to finally see him as just a friend, a goofy, life-embracing, skydiving nut, weed-smoking friend. someone who really does not want any sort of marital commitments in his life, someone who doesn't even remember what his first girlfriend looked like, someone who doesn't even get along well with family members and housemates. Someone who immediately retaliates when provoked, will never show remorse, will never soften, will only retort with more harsh language and rudeness when confronted with the tiniest bit of non-friendliness to him. I noticed how low his tolerance is. In that sense he is not a very mature man in handling his emotions. I don't know. maybe he does act very intelligently and maturely in other situations. Yea like when the Sheriff caught his car and clamped the wheel. To the poor girl working 24/7 for him, when he is in a bad mood, it was awful. I feel so sorry for her and immensely turned off by him, it reminded me of my bro when he was 6. Grow up and be more sensitive already! I remember he told me he can't be bothered trying to learn the female language, being sensitive and talkative and all, he really doesn't know how to love a woman. How many girls have come and gone in his life, maybe a lot of them left him for a very trivial reason. One girl got so hurt that she retaliated severely. Ransacked his house and took his most treasured possessions hoping that would break him. What drove a girl to that extent? He must have been a dick. I don't know, I am still believing what a great guy he is. I was still planning to tell him, hey, in case you ever wanted me again, my heart is always kept open to you. I may date around but i have already decided since the night you kissed me, that i belong to you. i want you. so please make it clear, that you do or do not have feelings for me. please.

yeah i was planning to say that, but i have no idea what will happen next. he'll probably have a bad headache and tell me to fuck off and stop doing his head in with this complicated relationship talk, if he wants to be rude to me. so far he has never treated me that way. he did say that i am the nicest person he has ever met. he did say that i am the most beautiful person he has ever met. if only he met me before he met his ex who broke his heart. ...

so yeah i still dont know what i want. currently, i am working part time for him and full time for my office, so my healthy, sanity, freedom are all gone. if i be his girl, and do all his shit for him, it will be a full time job and i will be even crazier. coz now she is around to help out, it is not so bad. but she will leave in a week's time. i don't know what he's gonna do. I wish i can take her place and be his 24 hour slave, as long as he loves me. that sounds really wrong, and i know what others will react - are you insane?? and that is what i actually want.

is this purely for the sake of having a man in my life? why is he so important? why does he have to determine my destiny like this? why should i follow his crazy path? why do i like him that much? i don't have to. i should follow my own path and be a strong, independent, caring and kind lady with a lot of success. i have to visit my World Vision son in Africa one day, i am only paying 48 dollars a month for him.

i want to open an orphanage in malaysia. actually i want to turn my house into an orphanage, or a secret service shelter for alternate organisations for the greater good - like 12 Grimmauld Palace lol - because it is in a safe location. wow. exciting. i have no friends now, but i am sure i can link up with very powerful people i have in fb at the moment, so many superstars doing amazing things in their daily lives. Young and inspirational. i came from an amazing school with extraordinary kids, the kinds that could be world leaders, talented, kind-hearted, extremely intelligent. i may be one of them. it is very sayang that i am currently in this rut and i chosen such a lousy profession.

Architecture. what we do? we sit in front of the computer all day, drafting lines and lines and text that make up drawings that contribute to building new buildings that consume lots of material and energy and money in order to make a selected few people rich and the Earth even poorer. The building industry is very resource-hungry and just so unstable financially. Design. at the moment it is only spatial planning and fitting to dimensions. and maybe material selection.

art. it is totally meaningless. if art and function can be combined that would be better. i don't know. like Apple. Design and technology and taking over the world simply because it is beautiful and works well.

yeah. i am a smart woman, i am beautiful, thin and sexy, i can speak well, i am not afraid, i am actually very liberal and mature, i like inspirational stuff, i am backed up by good financial background, race, name, family, nothing wrong with me, no crime record, etc... why would i sign myself up to a life of pain, misery, anxiety, locked-up working endlessly, to a man who might only please me half an hour each fortnight or something, and leave me abruptly at any time....

it just does not make sense. i am better than him. i know it. i am better than him. or, he is just human, and i am no worse than him.

ok plan plan plan.... i will finish his jobs well. i will do as promised. i will pay him, and he will pay me. there's no question about that, he insisted on doing renos for me free of charge and only invoice me on materials and his friends' labour, nothing from himself. he swallowed massive amounts of asbestos doing work for me, not only him but his/our friends as well. it is ... terrible of me... i know...

anyway. yea. after the work is all done, i will look to train someone new, to take over my place,or just leave him to it. at the same time, i will apply for jobs elsewhere - yeah i am just itching, dreaming, yearning for the day i resign from my current day job. it is just too difficult hiding so much from them. i can't say anything. all that politics between him and my boss... i can't say anything at all, im avoiding questions and chances of being asked questions at all costs. it is hard being sociable and nice and all that. it's crazy. and i have been badmouthing them to every potential client i meet outside of work, because their prices are exorbitant, and because i wanted to promote him instead. i know he'll be a much better choice. it is morally wrong in terms of the company though.. if i were my boss i'd not only fire myself but sue myself too. it is so wrong. yeah. i have to resign and tell them i need a proper archi firm experience in order to register and i have had enough working there because my experience does not count, and thanks for the happy times and raise in salary and christmas presents. (sarcastic because they are so stingy). the work itself is great though, i am in my comfort zone. yeah definitely should leave. well. hopefully it goes smoothly, i find a job, i leave them, i find a replacement, i leave him, or i just leave the country altogether. yay. and GO TO JAPAN....!!!!


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