i can feel my body shutting down
it is difficult to breathe. i am uber uber tired. i slept at 5am and woke up at 7.45am. two nights ago i slept at 3.45am and woke up at 7.30am. This sort of pattern is not unusual for me, I have been doing it every so often, maybe twice a month, depending on the jobs I am doing for him. I have virtually no life. I don't even spend time having a proper meal. I maintain physical hygiene and that's about it, I don't spend time chatting with people, buying proper food, making proper meals, even driving is a waste of time but I gotta get to work and home. I bought subway last night because I felt I needed the luxury of a wholesome meal in a short span of time. It is crazy. At work, I have tons of mundane, dredgy-work to go through, and people don't realise how much time is needed for all the work. I showed a pretty bad face for having to have lunch at 3pm every day, and I am tired all the time, and the work just keeps piling up.
but Ivan's work is even worse. I think he is gonna explode at me tomorrow. He probably has way too many jobs than he can handle, and I can't keep up with his deadlines. I spent a crazy amount of hours just adjusting site levels with the first project, god knows how long I will need for all the other sites. There is just so much shit to do. I wonder how am I going to face him tomorrow, will my emotions be balanced and good, or will I be in turmoil and weak like always.
the crying. it never fucking stops. It has been so many months now, it is old news already, and every now and then the pain comes to sting me and force me to surround my thoughts in gloom. I will tear very easily and my mood just rains like dark clouds and thunderstorms and nothing is happy or motivating and I lose all interest in life. I become a lifeless zombie, just mechanically doing my work, eating and sleeping little, doing everything without feeling. Just the other day my boss's daughter was reading Harry Potter. I love it to death and yet I couldn't bring myself to be sociable, to light up and share my excitement, to be happy for once.
i am utterly tired and i can't even bring myself to do anything ......... misery just keeps me locked up and imprisoned.... i am in a very very dark place... there seems to be no end to the amount of work....
i wish i can be happy again, to see clear blue skies, sunny weather, hear birds chirping, smile, laugh, play, joke, be funny and lively like i used to. i wish i can live normally again. i miss my old self. i miss my friends. i miss my family. i miss food. i miss sleep. i miss him being nice to me. i miss .... i miss happiness.... come back to me, happiness.... come back to me, positivity.... why everything left me alone in this deep, cold, dark depths of hell.... i shiver every day and night from uncontrollable tiredness and cold... too much work, too little outdoors and healthy breathing and exercise... and what the fuck am i eating, just cereal, muesli, tuna, spinach leaves, apples, .... no proper hot food in ages....
friends. i don't know who to talk to. i used to share my secret feelings and frustrations with a special friend who seemed very kind and willing to listen... now that he has a gf, i should not bother him any more....
i used to chat with my brother, my mom, anyone so easily... now, i think about the immense burden of my heart just clutching at me so heavily, i feel a lump in my throat whenever i think about saying it out loud - and i stop myself and pretend im okay and just end the conversation and say i'm very busy, i'm going back to work. i could not pour my feelings out to anyone, saying .. help me... i am very very heartbroken.... i feel so sad, i feel so much pain.... please help me be okay again.... T_T" who to say that to, and ask for a hug? >< .... i dont wanna trouble anyone or waste anyone's time....
i suddenly feel a little repulsion
as i watched him tend to his plants. i know i definitely do not want the drama and stress of having to face the police if it ever happens - him being caught - it is a possibility whether i like it or not. if i am with him, there is always the danger and tension... and i personally do not even want to touch, consume or smoke them. it is so dark and wrong.
i don't know what to say to him. i leaned in close, he happily gave me a peck on the cheek goodbye and smiled brightly as we bid each other goodbye. and we will see each other soon i guess.
i don't know. maybe it is possible after all for me to move on, despite having to work for him. Maybe it is possible after all to finally see him as just a friend, a goofy, life-embracing, skydiving nut, weed-smoking friend. someone who really does not want any sort of marital commitments in his life, someone who doesn't even remember what his first girlfriend looked like, someone who doesn't even get along well with family members and housemates. Someone who immediately retaliates when provoked, will never show remorse, will never soften, will only retort with more harsh language and rudeness when confronted with the tiniest bit of non-friendliness to him. I noticed how low his tolerance is. In that sense he is not a very mature man in handling his emotions. I don't know. maybe he does act very intelligently and maturely in other situations. Yea like when the Sheriff caught his car and clamped the wheel. To the poor girl working 24/7 for him, when he is in a bad mood, it was awful. I feel so sorry for her and immensely turned off by him, it reminded me of my bro when he was 6. Grow up and be more sensitive already! I remember he told me he can't be bothered trying to learn the female language, being sensitive and talkative and all, he really doesn't know how to love a woman. How many girls have come and gone in his life, maybe a lot of them left him for a very trivial reason. One girl got so hurt that she retaliated severely. Ransacked his house and took his most treasured possessions hoping that would break him. What drove a girl to that extent? He must have been a dick. I don't know, I am still believing what a great guy he is. I was still planning to tell him, hey, in case you ever wanted me again, my heart is always kept open to you. I may date around but i have already decided since the night you kissed me, that i belong to you. i want you. so please make it clear, that you do or do not have feelings for me. please.
yeah i was planning to say that, but i have no idea what will happen next. he'll probably have a bad headache and tell me to fuck off and stop doing his head in with this complicated relationship talk, if he wants to be rude to me. so far he has never treated me that way. he did say that i am the nicest person he has ever met. he did say that i am the most beautiful person he has ever met. if only he met me before he met his ex who broke his heart. ...
so yeah i still dont know what i want. currently, i am working part time for him and full time for my office, so my healthy, sanity, freedom are all gone. if i be his girl, and do all his shit for him, it will be a full time job and i will be even crazier. coz now she is around to help out, it is not so bad. but she will leave in a week's time. i don't know what he's gonna do. I wish i can take her place and be his 24 hour slave, as long as he loves me. that sounds really wrong, and i know what others will react - are you insane?? and that is what i actually want.
is this purely for the sake of having a man in my life? why is he so important? why does he have to determine my destiny like this? why should i follow his crazy path? why do i like him that much? i don't have to. i should follow my own path and be a strong, independent, caring and kind lady with a lot of success. i have to visit my World Vision son in Africa one day, i am only paying 48 dollars a month for him.
i want to open an orphanage in malaysia. actually i want to turn my house into an orphanage, or a secret service shelter for alternate organisations for the greater good - like 12 Grimmauld Palace lol - because it is in a safe location. wow. exciting. i have no friends now, but i am sure i can link up with very powerful people i have in fb at the moment, so many superstars doing amazing things in their daily lives. Young and inspirational. i came from an amazing school with extraordinary kids, the kinds that could be world leaders, talented, kind-hearted, extremely intelligent. i may be one of them. it is very sayang that i am currently in this rut and i chosen such a lousy profession.
Architecture. what we do? we sit in front of the computer all day, drafting lines and lines and text that make up drawings that contribute to building new buildings that consume lots of material and energy and money in order to make a selected few people rich and the Earth even poorer. The building industry is very resource-hungry and just so unstable financially. Design. at the moment it is only spatial planning and fitting to dimensions. and maybe material selection.
art. it is totally meaningless. if art and function can be combined that would be better. i don't know. like Apple. Design and technology and taking over the world simply because it is beautiful and works well.
yeah. i am a smart woman, i am beautiful, thin and sexy, i can speak well, i am not afraid, i am actually very liberal and mature, i like inspirational stuff, i am backed up by good financial background, race, name, family, nothing wrong with me, no crime record, etc... why would i sign myself up to a life of pain, misery, anxiety, locked-up working endlessly, to a man who might only please me half an hour each fortnight or something, and leave me abruptly at any time....
it just does not make sense. i am better than him. i know it. i am better than him. or, he is just human, and i am no worse than him.
ok plan plan plan.... i will finish his jobs well. i will do as promised. i will pay him, and he will pay me. there's no question about that, he insisted on doing renos for me free of charge and only invoice me on materials and his friends' labour, nothing from himself. he swallowed massive amounts of asbestos doing work for me, not only him but his/our friends as well. it is ... terrible of me... i know...
anyway. yea. after the work is all done, i will look to train someone new, to take over my place,or just leave him to it. at the same time, i will apply for jobs elsewhere - yeah i am just itching, dreaming, yearning for the day i resign from my current day job. it is just too difficult hiding so much from them. i can't say anything. all that politics between him and my boss... i can't say anything at all, im avoiding questions and chances of being asked questions at all costs. it is hard being sociable and nice and all that. it's crazy. and i have been badmouthing them to every potential client i meet outside of work, because their prices are exorbitant, and because i wanted to promote him instead. i know he'll be a much better choice. it is morally wrong in terms of the company though.. if i were my boss i'd not only fire myself but sue myself too. it is so wrong. yeah. i have to resign and tell them i need a proper archi firm experience in order to register and i have had enough working there because my experience does not count, and thanks for the happy times and raise in salary and christmas presents. (sarcastic because they are so stingy). the work itself is great though, i am in my comfort zone. yeah definitely should leave. well. hopefully it goes smoothly, i find a job, i leave them, i find a replacement, i leave him, or i just leave the country altogether. yay. and GO TO JAPAN....!!!!
and obviously the need to complain is fulfilled here
i spent $130 on a dance pass that i have only used twice. and it is expiring tomorrow. so tonight is the last chance i can redeem it. Also, tonight one of my dearest, closest friends is coming to town with her brothers, all of whom i love and i should by all means join them for dinner and catch up. also, my dear housemates invited me for a simple walk before dinner to stretch the legs and fill the lungs with fresh outside air. i haven't been out exercising for at least 2 whole months now.
instead.. i am doing his work again tonight. i have to. otherwise ... there is just not enough time.
he is going to nagambie again tomorrow night. it is just madness.
i feel really... i don't know.... i want him so badly. This morning i dreamt vividly of him laughing, joking with me, and giving me a very physical kiss. it was so real. it felt rubbery with the lips, wet where the teeth are, warm, light, fluffy, comfortable, and he was saying 'your smile looks naughty... ' and we laughed... it was so sweet... and right after that my alarm rang and i woke up, and in the cold darkness realized with a pang of ache that it was only a dream. and i am in this cold dark world totally cut off from him, so far away from that sweet, beautiful dream.
i feel shit
i am typing here again because i have nobody to talk to. or rather, i dont wanna burden anybody. i just feel like ranting and have a good cry. i dunno why i love to cry so much. it is just so pathetic. i could be doing work now, getting 4 survey plans done and start work on mine. you don't know how much insane amount of work i have on my plate. it just ... it is just mind blowing how some people next to me only thinks about jogging or something on the weekend. i haven't had a rest day since cny. i think i only really have holidays when i fly out of this country.
today has been the shittiest day yet. nah i had worse. but today is really bad. i did not manage to get much done. i spent so much time in traffic and even more time waiting around for people. i am so patient. yet i am dying inside. i haven't had lunch until 10.40pm after i reached home. i can't see a way to feel happy at all about my situation with him. i am trying, the hardest, way beyond all limits, to win his love. i am really trying. i could have been angry and blamed him for selfishly going to skydive for 5 days when we all needed him around. i could have been upset. i could have complained how difficult it was to do site measuring, and i used every inch of time i had, i slept punctually, i used up every ounce of energy, she and i worked so hard, she worked even harder. no i ddint mention a word of the difficulty. of the dogs and thorny bushes and whatever. i genuinely feel thankful and sorry everyone incl him had to be exposed to asbestos. i feel immensely bad about the whole thing. it is purely my fault. why did i buy this shitty house in this shitty neighbourhood having shitty asbestos and such bad construction and electrical wiring... and i cant complain to my workplace because i would have to then admit i am seeking help from him and i have been in touch with him..... i am such a bad employee. i should resign soon. there are way too many things i am hiding from them, it is exploding inside me to keep it all a secret and being so backstabbing. it is totally unfair. i am such a disloyal, manipulative, deceiving, sneaky, thieving employee. and lazy and unmotivated too. i feel really bad every day facing everyone and it is so hard to put on a smile and pretend everything's ok. i cant say much about what is going on. please nobody ask me how was my weekend. please nobody talk to me. please i dont wanna see your face. i purposely avoid lunch times.
a living hell.
ever since i poured my predicament to my best friends during a sleepover, this stuck in my head. having to work diligently for my ex. someone i obviously still have feelings for. having to swallow all my feelings and pretend nothing happened. having to work professionally, still maintain business relationship, produce good results, helping to spread his name out... and still pretend i have no feelings and still expect nothing more from him except my pay. HOW ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?! I CANNOT..... I CANNOT..... BUT I MUST..... THIS IS SO.... FUCKING... DIFFICULT..... i haven't stopped crying.... it has been ... since the beginning of this fucking year.... so many months i have not stopped crying.... i ruined my holiday, i ruined my health, i ruined many peoples' days because of my cancellation of their events and stuff... i met guys who could have helped me get past this shitty relationship and i had to turn away every single one because i just have no time... i am stuck doing so much work... and having to expect nothing but fair pay and good result on his part for sacrificing his health and free time to do my house...
all i want, is to be together with him. all i want, is his love. why on earth is that so hard to earn?! why ..... why ..... there is no one that i can cry to.....
there is no one that i can cry to, except my pillow....
and i should not waste time like this ranting, i should be doing work....
i feel so sad all the time................
this existence... what have i done to deserve this.... T_T
please love me.... i love you so badly..... i really want to be together with you, even if you want to pursue your dreams and be free, i want to support you every step of the way, i want to love you and be loved by you in return.... really is it that hard for you to accept one more person in your life? don't you want someone to care about you at all? why shut me out .... maybe i am too difficult for you..... I AM TRYING VERY HARD ALREADY..... there is no limit to my niceness...... i love you......
i feel like dying
I have been bleeding so badly every time i go to the toilet. it has happened for 5 or 6 consecutive times over the past few days.
i keep getting this feeling that he has grown very cold and unfeeling towards me. it is as if i am only a tool, i am only someone convenient and helpful for him for his jobs. he did say before he cannot work with someone and also be in a relationship with someone.
he is a jerk.
she told me she knows he and another girl is doing it together. he is a jerk.
he said nothing changed, so i took that as he still had feelings for me. and the only reason he can't continue on is because he does not want any commitments.
no, he wants to fck other girls. he is turned off by me.
maybe i never deserved him in the first place. maybe it is not my fortune at all.
i feel so incredibly ugly and unwanted.
i have sacrificed all my free time for him. my health. i have been working non-stop. i haven't exercised for 3 months. i feel crap all the time. i have tons of work to do, i can't break out of my painful routine of working nonstop till 1am every night and going to work at my day job and suffering silently and sleepily drudging through tons of work and keeping quiet about the whole thing and declining my nice friends' invites to socialise.
and for what?
i thought that if i work as hard as i can, if i fulfill his every wish, if i stayed on, if i waited, if i am kind, patient, understanding, loyal and stay beautiful as well, he will eventually love me back.
he has now gone to fuck other girls. well.
he is a jerk.
i had wanted my judgement of him to be right, so badly. i wanted to believe that i have fallen in love with the greatest guy on earth. i thought no one could ever match up to him. i have just praised him to the heavens to strangers. i tried to help him and his business wherever i go and whoever i meet. i really wanted to help him build it up.
he treats me and a like shit. unappreciated for our stuff and getting scolded and all that. i feel incredibly sorry for her and for myself. and i am sad all the time. why am i trapped in a relationship like this, and i still want him back.
i can't let go.
even thought i realised what a jerk he is.
he coldly drops all the physical contact with me although he knows how preciously i hold those in my heart. and he expects me to forget it all. he expects me to keep working like a robot, with no feelings for him. i am human, i am female, and i love him. i can't. it is impossible. he says it is possible, i think it is for him because he never intended to get serious with me from the first place, and i was only just another chick. once i turned ugly on him, he runs away instantly. he is worse than the guys who at least are willing to try and get married. he is a jerk....
i had wanted my judgement of him to be right...
i agree that i should not hold him back on his dreams, i should let him achieve his goals and give him space when he needs it, but ... if he had left me only because of other women... or that i am inadequate... or that .... sigh. .... i know thinking badly about him, complaining about him, feeling so terrible all the time, isn't going to help ME..... for my own sake, i have to keep myself alive.... i feel shit all the time.... how can i escape from this terrible monster that keeps me in the dark and makes me cry every single night.... it has been 3 months that i have cried and cried and cried... i feel so incredibly sad....
and i have work to do..... no time to moan... got to get the jobs done...
and i don't know who to talk to.... everyone and everything and every event... i just turned all of them down, even cancelling flights and tickets although i've already paid money, purely for him and his jobs .... and my incredibly stupid house... really feel worried and bad about it all..
my wish today, is to feel a little happier..... and to get some jobs done....
my bigger wish, is for him to love me.... to appreciate me as a woman.... like he did before...
:'( excuse me while i go and cry somemore.... i just feel so terrible rightnow.... and i cant tell anyone.... i want to die but i can't either... have so much work to do.... and working kills my back and and i have no time to even see a doctor... i have no time to service my car even though it might break down... i have no time to take time out to cry, so i always cry while working at home, in the car while driving, when going to bed at night.... and no one knows except my online friends who i promised over and over again that i'll be fine... but now im not fine again..... oh please!~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i feel so terrible~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ make me okay again ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~please~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ T___________T
i still love you
i still love you very much. i wish so badly that we can be together again. i miss you. i miss your touches, kisses, hugs, spoons, even sex. i really miss you. i really want you. i really want you. i really love you. what can i do to make you love me? what can i do to make you care? .................................................... being unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, just waiting in silence, while seeing you overworked and so distant and now being helped by another woman... it really kills me. i can't stop crying, now i can't breathe properly. i am constantly sad. i know i should move on. i should let you go. i should seek my own happiness rather than rely on you. sorry again. but i love you. sorry but i love you, i still do, and probably always will. .... sigh. now i really feel like crying again. but i am severely sleep deprived. so i cant breathe properly. why am i in such terrible pain? when will the sun shine on me again? dear god, i wish this suffering would stop. i want to be loved!! please.... i really don't want to be so miserable ever again.... stop..... stop crying.... stop............. i love him so much.... stop......... so much work to do, have to get back into it....... stop..... i hate this situation so much.......... im so trapped and crazy ................... i was looking for a 'suicidal' emoticon to post on fb to announce how miserable i am.... why am i so self-centered???? why can't i fucking move on, get a grip on myself, and realise that all this self-pitying is really getting me nowhere? typing this here isn't going to get my job done. i've already fucked up buying that shitty house in the first place. now i must do my best to make the most of it. shit. grow up already, you stupid girl.
dear diary i dont have anyone to talk to
ive been crying loudly in the car every time after i leave. it is unbearable. my thoughts just kept revolving around the immense sadness and magnifies it bigger and bigger until im circling around the thought that i'm the saddest person alive and can't stop crying forever. truth is, he hasn't really done anything wrong - well it is subjective - he was only trying to do what's best for himself. i know i need to let him go eventually. i can't be so selfish and hold him back from what he wants to do. so why do i keep wailing about this lost chance, this split milk, like a very spoilt child? i even showed my temper today. and i was rude to his friend, my new friend too. i was trying really hard to be civil. then i lost it. i just left without a single word. it is just so bad. and i cried hard in the car, this is the 2nd time i cried hard, but the number of times i sobbed quietly and pityingly is uncountable. i just cry so easily. i am just so bloody weak, it is downright pathetic. i hate myself for being so weak, i know it's not gonna help anybody, if anything, it's turning people off, especially him... he wouldn't even be in the same room as i am in...
now i have nowhere to 'go down the stage'... i don't know how to face him anymore... i don't know how to talk to her anymore... and i can't tell my friends about this shit situation.... i can't share this story with anyone, this living hell that i am in now, except this secret blog of mine... and what's the use??.... i'm just talking to myself and whirling round and round in more and more sadness ... until i eventually talk myself into suicide????!!what's the ultimate goal of this 'sadness ego' that keeps making me zoom into all the unhappy stuff and make me cry?? it is as if crying is achieving some sort of goal.
sometimes i forget that it is achievable, to be calm and not cry and be brave and strong about it. i forget. i chose to cry and be weak instead. and so stubborn in thinking i am weak and un-help-able.
shit now what do i do... after tonight... i was so immature...
it is so difficult. and now i feel like crying all over again. OMG this is sooo unproductive!! how am i gonna get all that work done?!??!?!?!??!?
feel like giving up and just going to sleep again.
my supposedly best friend. i don't understand why she wants to spend 600 bucks on a bed. just borrow her relative's one for free! i'd do that. or minimum 100 bucks on a second hand something. but it is her choice. and she is hinting for me to give her a lift to a suburb ridiculously far from my place.
it is just really.... well i gotta grow up and beat life in the face when it's punching and kicking me down like this. i gotta fight back otherwise i'll just die a horrible death. at this rate it's getting more and more horrible already.
i rode on the back of his bike
we went for a gathering for property investing enthusiasts amongst my friends and their friends. i rode on his bike there after work and came back to my car to drive it home afterwards.
it was terrifying, i thought i will fall off if i lose hold of his gas tank - it was the only thing i could hold - he said not to hold his body coz then we'd both fall off as he would have to support two weights instead of his own - and he just took off so quickly it was like on a roller coaster but no safety belts - !!!!!!
somewhere on the freeway he told me to relax and sit back coz he couldnt breathe, i was leaning so far forward and he got squished in between me and the bike >.<"
the night was good, he told everyone his background and latest property deal and stuff and after going back, at the place where my car was parked, he kissed me goodbye.
what was that about?! he seemed really happy.
he went for a meeting with a client and is about to embark on a really big job. he is really on a roll. i am really proud and excited for him. i try not to put too much hope and excitement on it in case i jinx it. im really ... he's really training me to be indifferent, to be neutral, to not over-analyse everything and overreact.....
this is still the most amazing guy i've ever ever met and i'll stick with him no matter what...
i promised myself not to cry over him this year. but i shed tears so easily. i just hear one song, any song - gazillions of songs out there could be related - and i think about how sad i should be, and i allow myself to shed another tear. my eyes flow like taps. now they are very sore, and i feel exhausted.
today i went to elwood beach to have a look. plenty of happy sunshine people basking in the sun, dashing into the waves, chilling, cycling, walking, running, laughing, family-time-ing, dating...
i thought i'd cheer myself up by visiting one of my favourite places - the beach. the sight of the sea in the horizon, the open, clear blue skies, the cheery atmosphere, an ice cream truck... my heart was instantly lifted. i bought a hot dog and savoured it while people watching. i hadn't eaten any hot dogs for years.
i kept a calm, cheery attitude until i found a solitary park bench overlooking the blurry sun and the tasmanian ferry in the distance. i wanted to take a photo of it, so i sat there, took the photo, and relaxed. and down the tears came. i just. .. i just keep letting the ego take over. it wants to identify me as a newly heartbroken, very sad little girl, and wants me to have a good, loud, long, much deserved and long-contained cry. and i kept fighting it by restraining the sniffs and sounds. i was also wearing contacts so i didnt want to spoil them with too many tears.
why am i so sad?
i went over to his place last night, i memorized his house long ago and driving over was easy. my mind was unsettled, and i was actually rehearsing what should i say to him. it was so smooth and inviting, his tone - it was exactly like back at that restaurant in glen waverley, when he said 'we don't have to play games. you can ask me anything right now.' he said to me last night, 'you don't have to bribe me (with food), just say what do you want'. so i said i want some time face-to-face conversation with him. he said come over. so i went. ok. i summarised three main points to ask him. one, about our relationship. two, about property. three, about my car. my car was the easiest. just how to take care of it in this week of 40+ deg weather. then property, it was up to me what i wanna do, but renting the whole house out is easier. and then i can stay somewhere more convenient. as for relationship .. he told me his dreams - to actually fly. he plans to get a licence to do that. it requires at least 200 jumps - he has done one on the weekend and i've never seen him that happy - and he will want to fly around the world in a wingsuit he is going to make. he is 30 years old, and this dream was hidden, suppressed since many years ago and finally he decided to chase it after all. and because it is a far-fetched, long journey, he cannot commit to a relationship, he cannot drag another person into his life like this, he does not want to hold me back from doing what i want to do. i guess this means that whether he likes me, however much he likes me, he already decided that my freedom and self-development and life is more important, than being dragged into his crazy plans and haphazard life. and decided to let me go. he told me, just... just don't wanna commit. don't want it all. don't wanna get married and have kids. not his kinda life. we only got one life, he rather follow his dreams. and his dreams ... cannot be achieved if he is dragged into the settle-down marry and have children life. this i gotta understand, and let him go so he could achieve what he wants.
i cry because i think back about how sweetly he held me, how tenderly he kissed me, how he spooned me so warmly, how he did all those things in bed, how he treated me so well, how incredibly lucky, wonderful, blissful i was in the beginning, how we spent so many hours together just working in peace, how after every time i worked at his place he would say, 'that's enough', and we make out, tenderly, and we always watched tv or drive-in movies or movies on his bed, and i was always shifting around afraid to rest too heavily on his shoulder or arm, and in the car i was always yearning to lean closer but his seats were too big, and how ... every single meal we had, he would pay.. he always treated me properly like a date... he always acted gentlemanly to me and was never ever rude... although he always says swear words, he does not scold or fret to me ...
it is just hard.. it might be impossible.. to now go back to being just friends.. i yearn so much for his hug, his kiss, his warmth... and last night up on his deck, we lay side by side staring at stars in the sky. it was incredibly peaceful and if only he was in it, it would've been one of the most romantic nights i ever had. but he's .... we're... just .... apart for now. even if he ... even if we go back to dating and physical stuff, if he allowed... eventually, i'd have to let him go chase his dreams. i'd have to endure countless hours, days, weeks, months of him not around, somewhere in the sky, in the world, doing his thing. i'd spend my whole life waiting for just glimpses of happiness with him. looking back on the past few months, i think most of the time i was only waiting. sometimes i waited in tears. and in very sparse, precious moments in time that i got to spend with him... these were such sweet and warm memories. in china i just replayed these memories to help me sleep, especially that first kiss in his car. i was missing him the whole time.
a lot of clues had pointed to me to stop this. our ba zi is not compatible. a taoist priest told me don't be with a guy with a mole in his eyebrow and he does have a tiny one on his right one. he is never going to learn mandarin, come to msia, meet my parents, settle down and marry me and have kids and build a company together and work hard for children and stuff like that. he told me right from the start, he cant commit, he cant do boyfriend stuff, he cant, his life is messed up, and he doesnt want me to wait around for him to sort things out. once he told me about his ex, who broke his heart. if only he'd met me before her, because that time he was ready to commit, he was in the mood for a relationship, and she ruined it. now he's not into it anymore.
he always says he doesnt want to see me get hurt, as i am a good person, the most beautiful he has known, he doesnt wanna promise anything and then break it later. he thought by declaring all those things before he kissed me, i'd understand. no, i naively thought that the kiss changed everything. i thought that that was the start of our relationship. i told some friends that we are dating, i told some friends that i have a boyfriend, i'd introduce his namecard to strangers as my boyfriend, but i didnt say a word to my parents. we even had sex. i was a virgin. i thought, as we progressed doing all these couple stuff, as i kept on treating him as my first priority, i always cooked stuff and waited for a chance to meet up, i always dutifully work on his projects and waited for the reward that comes after, i yearned for his messages on my phone, every little bit that comes make me smile. i thought with all that happening, surely eventually he'll say, be my girlfriend, or something. surely one day we'll move in together. it'll be easier for me to work with him anyway. but after a few months we saw each other less. he had stuff happened to him, injuries, work, and for long periods of time nothing happened. i think back, the last few times of contact we had before i left for china, he even said he wasnt in the mood for a kiss. he was avoiding physical stuff. i thought he was sick too.
so it has come to this. he seemed happier. he said, if you view it as a negative thing then it is. he said it so ... happily. he doesnt understand why i was struggling to explain ... how unhappy, how negative i was ... i expected too much. i had this dream guy ... i experienced such wonderful things... now i must let this dream guy go... and i dont know if i'll ever meet someone like him again. but it is certain that i must let him chase his dreams, otherwise i am being selfish, it will not help anyone. i just find it so hard to accept... so hard....
tell me, how do i do work for him now? how do i go about doing anything, even a meal at a restaurant, ... it just breaks my heart... that i cant proceed any further...
with guys that felt like that towards me and i couldnt respond likewise, i knew that it is best we never see each other again. so a total cutoff ... and hope their lives improved, hope they find a girl suitable for them, while i continue my own path...
but with HIM... it is different. i think i should still help him out. i think i should still stay in contact, because i really need his help on a lot of things. so i cannot avoid him. i cannot cut him out from my life. maybe eventually i finish my business here in aus and move to another country, then i can safely forget about him.
he did say that he also wants to travel the world with me and do amazing stuff together.... but yeah he wants to chase his dreams first. he also did say... who knows what is going to happen? he doesnt even know what tomorrow will bring. when i asked him, so is this, definitely not going to work? ....
i guess.... the right thing to do, is to be as positive as i can, indulge myself in happy things, keep myself busy, and always show him a positive face... if i am confident, happy, achieving my own goals, helping him in his success, maybe we can still share a future together, or somewhere along the way i meet another guy who'll change my life for the better.
now is the time to have a hard look at my own life and ambitions. since he is letting me go, i could do whatever i want without having to restrict myself to his world. he doesn't know yet about my ambitions of sustainability, recycling waste, going to japan, ...
what do i do now?
just watched a movie that reminded me how precious it is purely to be alive, to have absolutely nothing but my own breath and heart beating, and arms and legs that are functional... no family, no loved ones, no possessions, just my own body...
i read the book 'a new earth : awakening life's purpose' and have not finished it, but i got a part out of it that says i must let go of my selfish wants and needs in order to truly feel love. in order to truly love someone i have to accept all of him. good and bad. positive and negative. i can not expect only the good things. i cannot force him to only be good. i cannot rely on him to give me happiness. i must be willing to let go, to release, to forget, to put down...
will i be able to do it? if Dr Stone could let go of the life support belt holding Dr Matt ... and thereby releasing him to certain death in order to ensure her own safety.. maybe that is the thing i must do now..
in order to move forward in my life.. i must stop clinging to such a narrow-minded little world, little love story that i created in my head, little social circle that i limit myself to, little daily routines that are just so meaningless....
it is time i pick myself up and really go out there and do amazing things and enjoy myself. i will not waste any time feeling unhappy again. i will throw away anything that makes me unhappy. i will leave anything that makes me unhappy.
he serves as a brilliant beacon of inspiration, nothing more. in my life i am grateful to have met him. i have to earn his love, i may need all the time i have to put in all the hard yards necessary to reap the rewards.
it is going to be an awesome journey, bravely walking down this path of freedom that i chose. Yes, I choose this. I am going to go to work, come home, finish my resume, send to companies i like, saying i can start work immediately. i will quit once an interview confirmed i can start at a new place. i will finish my logbook recording and beg my friend to give me his name and rego. i will study up the necessary documents to be able to do the course and pass the exam. i will be a registered architect by the end of this year 2014.
if he needs my help i will gladly help him as a friend, just like i would for any of my friends. even more so because i respect him a lot as a mentor and a wiser, more mature friend. it is great, it is total freedom. i can walk away at anytime, i can fly home and be with my family if i like, i can go anywhere i want, i can flirt with any guy i like, i can kiss anyone i want, i can fall in love without guilt or reservations.
i can't see why anyone won't want to be me. i am pretty, i am smart, i am rich, i can do things to make myself prettier, smarter, richer. i am already very lucky. with that, i will sleep very well tonight indeed :)