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May 15, 2014
my toilet bowl
im gonna vomit all the toxins today.

breakfast of chicken tikka. way too much meat. i was only wanting to pon chan my parents' friends but didnt see them there today.

receptionist, who is fat, ugly and too talkative, remarked that the three of us, 'for someone so good with those computer stuff, would be so useless in everything else' eh excuse me, i was using that fucking stupid program all this while, i did painstakingly took the time to fill out every single thing they asked for, and i counted my time for it too, it is such a tedious job and i did it every single time, what the fuck... i am already feelin very sien about it and she insulted us saying we dont know a thing about it... walao...

next, my crying. i don't know why am i so addicted to crying and misery, i just find some excuse and tear up and start crying like crazy. my breasts hurt, i can't breathe properly, i feel so tired, my eyes are very dry and blurry, now i can't see properly to do my work or to drive ...

i got reminded that i should not hold him responsible for my happiness. it is entirely my own business to feel happy regardless of his actions or inactions. he is free to do whatevs he wants, and he is really happy with his life now that he finally managed to pursue his long-time childhood dream. he kept encouraging me to stand up for myself, chase my own dreams, do what i really love, coz he knows i can make it big, coz he knows i am an amazing person.

and all i hear, all i brood on, is the words 'i never intended to be in a relationship with you in the first place', ' i wanted to tell you to fuck off many times', and 'you should have fucked off a year ago'. and 'i dont want to see you like that, feeling shit and sad and all that' .....

geez... i don't know. i got so hurt from that night i can't even think properly. im still in a very hurtful blur. tearing up so easily all the time. it is already mid may. i am still feeling worse than ever, and i don't know if im bringing this misery upon myself, to keep on enforcing that self-pity exercise, ..... or what... i know, im really immature and crazy to risk my life and health and mental wellbeing over one person like this.... i cant even smile... i cant think happy thoughts.... every time i hear a childhood happy song or think of my dear family and friends, i miss them all so badly and cry even more. i know maybe someday we will all meet again and laugh and have a good time like the old days, but i dont know when will that be, and i dont know if i can make it past this year. im so miserable and dead right now. really really down. i wish there is a shoulder to cry on. i wish i can stop feeling so down.i wish he loves me but he obviously thinks im like a poor little kitten he picked up from the street, from the way he said 'what im doing to you, i would do the same for anyone else'. what, you would kiss and fuck just about any girl on the street that you think is half amazing? whatever happened to 'you are the nicest person ive ever met, how i wish i met you before her...' ... he did say ' i never said i never wanted to take you anywhere, i still wnat to travel... ' but yea, a relationship is out of the question for now, he is pretty resistant to that. already many girls he turned away. he tells me, they all tell him afterwards they shouldnt have waited. in a years time i'll be laughing about it. i shouldnt have waited.

i feel so miserable. i had thought, the more i worked hard, the more effort i put in, the longer i hold on, the more it will pay off,...but he caught me. he said i cant possibly work and expect him to say one day, hey will i stay over tonight.. that is just wrong..

i know that is wrong yet that is exactly wat i want...

for now...

i dont know..... wish i can turn everything off, have a good night's rest, instead of having to face this enormous pile of jobs after jobs with endless tasks to handle and people to face and things to prepare and deadlines to meet and having to behave civil and all .... i have no rest ... cant exactly pamper myself.. cant meet my friends.. cant call anyone... miserable as shit...


Posted at 01:35 am by yinnie


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